The Hardest Decision

By Stacey Whaley

“Mom, I am so frustrated! I have no energy and the coaches won’t stop criticizing everything I do. I can’t help that I am not built all skinny and flat-chested like the other girls, but they still single me out for extra conditioning. It’s like it doesn’t even matter that I am one of the three strongest players on the team.”

What is wrong with me? Why do I always feel so down? Why can’t I stop crying? Am I just going to spend my life sitting here on the couch watching movies by myself? Mom can’s help me—she is 800 miles away.

“Hey Stacey, want to go out to a party with us at Jeremy’s house?”

“Nah, you guys go ahead. I am feeling a little under the weather.”

Why don’t I want to do the things my college roommates do? It’s like I am living my life on the couch and a practice. What if life doesn’t get any better than this?

· · ·

“In today’s lecture, we are going to explore some of the psychological illnesses. You may be familiar with schizophrenia, depression and phobias. I will begin with depression. Common signs of depression are change in appetite, change in sleep patterns, feeling ‘down’, suicidal thoughts, withdrawal in contact with friends/family/others…”

Whoa. Could this be me? I think I have all of those symptoms. Let me check….all but one. I don’t think I have ever had suicidal thoughts though. What should I do? Is there help available? How do I get better? I need to talk to my coach. Maybe the team sports psychologist can help. It is strange, but I feel a little better putting a name on how miserable I have been for the past two years.

· · ·

“Coach, talking with the sports psychologist isn’t helping. She can’t stop connecting everything back to volleyball, and I’m not sure that even has anything to do with it. Is there someone else I can see?”

“Actually, Stacey, there is someone. I contacted the Women’s Resource Center here on campus. They have psychologists and counselors who can help you get back on track. Here is the card—their office is in the student union. Let me know how it goes.”

“Thanks. I really hope it helps. I’m scared.”

· · ·

“Hey, Coach. You wanted to talk to me?”

“Yeah. Come in. Have a seat. It seems to me that you are doing a lot better since you started seeing the psychologist at the WRC. How are you doing?”

“It is hard sometimes to deal with issues, but I feel like I am learning some good strategies to help me overcome my depression. Today is the first time I didn’t cry all the way through the session!”

“I am glad to hear it. Listen, I called you in here today to give you some options. I know you aren’t happy playing here and you seem to have a lot of injuries that are making playing painful. I want to explore some options with you. If you want to transfer to another school and play somewhere else, I will write a release so you can still have your eligibility for your last year. Another option could be staying here and not playing next year—don’t worry, you will still get your scholarship. The last option is staying here and continuing to play on the team as usual. The decision is yours—we just want you to be happy and healthy, you know.”

“Thanks, Coach. I’ll think about it.”

I can’t just walk away. I’ve never quit anything in my life. Does she really want me to leave? I know I am not a starter, but I’m not that bad am I? I have worked so hard to get here. What would my teammates say? Would they still want to hang out with me? I don’t know what to do!!

· · ·

“Hi, Coach. (Take a deep breath!) I have decided to stay here, but not play volleyball next year.” Whew! That was the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like a weight has just been lifted from my shoulders, but it still feels like I have failed in some way. I hope I made the right decision.