Pueblo, Colorado is my place of birth. I lived there on a small farm until the age of 10. Anglo-Saxon is my cultural background (there is Native American ancestry although my father would never discuss his heritage with me). My ancestors were engaged in occupations that consisted of farming and merchandising. My mother a surgical nurse worked at a local hospital; my father was employed by the railroad as a brakeman. My first encounter with gender differences occurred at a very early age (two or three) when I found out that my parents wanted my birth to be that of a boy. I had one sister who was five years older named Margaret. At birth, Margaret was diagnosed as mildly retarded with Downs Syndrome.

I became aware of the cognitive differences between my sister and me when I began attending public school and she could not. I began to read books and write my name but Margaret could not read or write. My parents and I taught her how to read and write at home. When my sister and I would go outside to play, oftentimes-other children would tease her, saying that she was weird or cuckoo. I became defensive and combative with the other children often physically attacking them when they taunted us. The family doctor advised my parents to place Margaret in a state institution. Supposedly placing Margaret outside the home would allow me to overcome the stigmatization that had developed around her disability. However, when I became aware that Margaret was placed outside the home to improve my social development I was devastated. I loved my sister and missed her terribly, I did not feel that her presence in the home was any different than other sibling relationships. My parents placed Margaret in a State institution upon the recommendation of the doctor because they could not educate her in the local school system. My father and mother became very bitter against public education with its exclusionary power. This was a very traumatic and emotionally devastating event for parents and me.

Shortly after, my parents relocated to Oregon to purchase a mercantile store in Scio, Oregon. I was enrolled in elementary school in Scio; however, this was short-lived because my parents chose not to purchase the store and subsequently moved to Salem, Oregon. My father opened an automotive garage and my mother became employed in nursing for the State. I was enrolled in the sixth grade at a local elementary school. In Salem schools, I encountered my first real experience with gender differences and apparel discrimination. Winters in Colorado are very cold. Most or all of the children (boys and girls) wore leggings or heavy denim pants to school. When I began attending school in Salem, I wore heavy denim pants. My sixth grade teacher, who was the principal, contacted my mother to inform her that my wearing pants to school was in violation of the State of Oregon School Ordinance dress code. Girls were forbidden to wear pants they were to wear only dresses, no jeans, slacks, or shorts were allowed. Mother and I had to go clothes shopping because I had only one dress. Further, I detested wearing dresses; I hated having to sit a certain way while boys had total freedom of movement because they wore pants.

Due to complications from pneumonia a few months before my fourteenth birthday my sister died. This was a very tragic time for my family. Every summer we traveled to Colorado to spend vacations with her as well as holidays. We traveled to Colorado, this time for her funeral.

I entered junior high school carrying with me the emotional baggage of Margaret’s institutionalization and later her death. I had learned not to discuss the fact that I had a sister who was exceptional or institutionalized. I was overweight with a self-image problem to add to my emotional baggage over Margaret’s disability. Junior high school was drastically different for me; I missed being in the same classroom with the same students and the same teacher. I didn’t like going from class to class, hurriedly chatting with different students about events as we rushed to the next class. My seventh grade passed in a blur, I simply glided through the year feeling like another person living another life I didn’t feel as though I really belonged. During my eight-grade year, my parents decided to get a divorce this event increased my emotional problems.

I felt lost in this large organized and departmentalized school system. The classroom climate consisted of constantly changing faces of chatting students; the teachers practiced treating students impersonally. When I recall my junior high days they become a "daze." Personal reflections bring back the pain of my Margaret’s death, my parents divorce, their lack of involvement with my education, my drop in motivation and self-esteem, and lack of a strong social support system to help me adapt to the constant flux of changes in my world.

I was overweight and painfully aware of the national obsession with being thin. I had lower self-esteem and self-image. I suffered from depression, an eating disorder, anxiety, migraine headaches, and panic attacks. Due to the changes occurring within and without my body, I vacillated between self-hatred and acute self-consciousness. I did not like wearing a bra; I thought breasts just made me look fatter as well as being a hindrance to athletic performance. I found information about reproduction, sexual arousal, and other intimate details from friends whose parents shared information on these subjects with their children or from biology books.

Previously I discussed my parent’s bitterness toward the public school system for excluding my sister. This resentment and bitterness became an issue of conflict in my relationship with my parents. My mother did not seem to value an education for me, although she assured me that she was proud of my accomplishments in school. In her behavior, I found that she did not have the time to discuss important concerns that I had regarding boys, girlfriends, and activities that I was interested in. I often confronted her with this indifference to my efforts, which only exacerbated the distancing in our relationship. Conflict and emotional interchanges in our relationship increased with our relationship forever being one of emotional distance and conflict.

My ninth grade year I moved to a new junior high school closer to my home. I felt very mature because I was in the first graduating class. I received good grades was on the student council, the yearbook committee, and elected treasurer of the student body; I finally felt that I belonged. I had a group social network of other adolescents. I found that I could manage my mother if I did not expect any real emotion from her; I became invisible trying not to present her with any problems, a good girl. I would describe her as somewhere between the indulgent and the indifferent type of parent. I realized that my sister’s death and my parent’s divorce had left her with emotional coping problems. My perception abilities were developing reflected in my ability to perceive that my mother was experiencing emotional pain because of the traumatic events in our life with these events influencing her attitude towards me. During this time, I received a letter from my father apologizing for the divorce and his absence in my life and only one visit from him during my ninth grade year. I was too hurt to respond, my mind said why hadn’t he ever called me, or dropped by my school for a visit. I rejected any conciliatory

My friendships were very positive during this time. I had a circle of friends with whom I could confide as well as share problems, secrets, and leisure activities. I became very aware of my social status and my friendships. However, I did not experience any increased opportunity to help my mother make family decisions or house rules. I was allowed quite a bit of autonomy to come and go as necessary for school events and other social activities. My mother relied on my maturity and self-control, she encouraged making appropriate decisions with regard to friends, fun, and focus on school. I tried not to disappoint her with the responsibility that she placed on me.

My relationships with the opposite sex were a mix of agony and ecstasy. I had formed a long-term relationship with a boy who lived down the street. When I began to experience feelings of a sexual nature I began to view my physical development with a more positive attitude. I began to feel like a young woman. In the ninth grade my relationship with the older neighbor boy ended upon his graduation, he joined the Navy. I was devastated, I cried for days, and then one day a boy from another high school called to ask me out, I was off to another ecstatic relationship. My relationships with both sexes demanded that I have principles that now included a newly formed moral code that required equal, fair, and just treatment that I expected for myself and for others in my group. I became more socially adept with a sophisticated perspective that allowed me to behave in more socially competent ways as in understanding my mother’s ways.

During my adolescent years, both my parents urged me to find employment. I did find jobs that paid for my clothes, school expenses, and leisure activities. These jobs consisted of waitressing, babysitting, and housecleaning; these were very different from the jobs that boys in my peer group were doing (box boys, manual laborers, newspaper boys, skilled laborers, etc.). In addition, the jobs that I worked at paid less than the higher wage jobs the boys in my age group were paid. I was painfully aware that I earned 35 cents an hour for babysitting four children ten hours a day (I also cooked meals, cleaned house and did the laundry). While 60 cents an hour was earned by my neighbor who worked as a box boy (not the same level of responsibility as required by my job). Because of past forced division of household labor between genders these jobs assisted in preparing me for the role of wife and mother when I entered adulthood.

Gender stereotyping occurred several times in my adolescent years. I decided to take physics; on the first day of class, I found that I was the only girl in the class. I really wanted to take physics; however, the instructor was a man who discouraged me because I was the only girl in the class. I dropped the class. During my ninth grade, I played basketball, however this was only during physical education class or after school intramurals. For boys the best way to become popular and gain social status was in school athletics. For girls there were no corresponding athletic activities; girls turned to cheerleading activities to gain social status and popularity, for the rest of us we simply supported the boys’ teams.

An interesting aspect is that studies have found that for girls who participate in athletics their achievements in science increases. In my case this aspect would have been true had girls team sports been available at this time and the physics teacher had not been so opposed to a girl in his physics class. Through athletic participation girls acquire competitive traits to help them succeed academically. The big picture is gender differences during adolescence are now considered much more important an issue than during my adolescence. This is very positive because I really suffered because I could not participate in athletics, especially basketball as well as being excluded from enrolling in science classes such as physics.