Life is Not a To-Do List

  I spent the whole day Monday after the fourth of July at home weeding in the garden. My first priority was to get those 4 foot tall dandelions before their furry seeds flew off into the four directions of my unkempt garden. Gather up all those burrey prickley seed weeds. Forget the morning glory for now unless it’s choking a plant. The crabgrass will have to wait too. In fact, don’t even touch any weed that’s less than six inches tall. Prioritize.

  My husband picks up on some level of frustration in my body language during dinner. “I’m fine,” trying to reassure him, “there’s just so much to do out there right now and so little time to do it. It’s a mixed blessing; I love having artichokes, and peas and all kinds of berries and everything else that’s not even fruiting yet. But it doesn’t just happen.” He nods because he knows and understands. Yet I can see traces of a lingering worry on his face. There are a lot of things that don’t just happen.

  I woke up this morning at 4:40 a.m. from a dream. I had been trying to find the new location for the OWP. Vague directions. Somewhere up that hill. Climbing, the hill kept getting steeper; it turned into a mudslide whereby I disturbed a deer-like animal that morphed into a jaguar. Our school’s mascot. Trying not to panic, I breathed calmly. He approached. I got scared. Damn, if I’d been practicing my morning meditations more regularly, I’d have this cat purring. Instead I’m worried about becoming lunch. The jaguar senses my fear and moves dangerously close; his curiosity slowly turns to ....
“Oh god, noooooOOOOOOOOO!”

  What was that all about? I don’t know. Add it to the To-Do List: Analyze weird dream. I decide I might as well get a jump on that morning meditation. It’ll give me time to pick some blueberries and maybe a few weeds before I bike off to school. Thinking I have extra time, I check my email. Bad move. Forty minutes slipped by; no time for breakfast. The only picking this morning will be picking up a danish at the bottom of the hill. Clockcheck. There’s still time to bike. Breezing along, I love the sound of the river rushing over rocks and the reflection of morning light on the water. Take it in while you can. Class is wonderful; however, I still resent having to get up and be creative somewhere at 8:30 in the summer (yeah, right. Did I take my ginko today? Vitamins? )

  Late in the afternoon while brainstorming topics for paper #3, I listen to an interview with Michael Moore. “You have to change things AGGRESSIVELY, not SYMBOLICALLY. DO SOMETHING! GO RAISE SOME HELL!” Great idea. I’ll add it to my list. Instead of working diligently on my paper, I watch a DVD with my husband. “Monster” ... a must-see movie that’s been sitting on the T.V. for a week; it’s due back tomorrow. I type more ideas intermittently like wind-shield wipers. 11:00 p.m. Glad I watched the movie; glad I’m a teacher. Now let’s get to work. I see a commercial that Ralph Nader is a guest on the Jon Stewart show. Gotta watch that. It’s on my to-do list. 11:30 Now it’s really time to roll on that paper. Midnight. Alan sends an iChat message, “Good night sweetie.” Has it come to this? We’re kissing each other via Instant Messaging? That’s just too far. So, we snuggle up and chat face to face. 1:00 a.m. Back to writing and wondering where this is going. I recall Johnny warning us during his lesson, “Be sure to answer the question!” So, I have several big questions: How do I find balance? Are ‘priorities’ prettily disguised ‘shoulds’?, Can we afford NOT to get involved in facing the challenges of the world? How do I get control of my life?